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Boat Jokes...

Discussion in 'Popular Yacht Topics' started by YachtForums, Jan 12, 2004.

  1. revdcs

    revdcs Senior Member

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    Location:
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    Fire instructions for when you have teenagers or ‘blondes’ on board. :D

    Attached Files:

  2. revdcs

    revdcs Senior Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Fowey in Cornwall
    Life in the Australian Army...

    Although I guess this could apply to the Navy too...

    Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

    Dear Mum & Dad,

    I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

    At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

    This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

    Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

    Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

    I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

    Your loving daughter,

    Sheila
  3. NYCAP123

    NYCAP123 Senior Member

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    Location:
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    Well, my geography knowledge is now increased. Used to be that story could have been written about any number of hollers in the Blue Ridge mountains but they had to get citified for breading purposes.:rolleyes:
  4. revdcs

    revdcs Senior Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Location:
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    Who Is Your Role Model?

    Try this - but don't cheat and look at the answers:

    1) Pick your favourite number between 1-9
    2) Multiply by 3 then
    3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3
    (I'll wait while you get the Calculator....)
    4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
    5) Add the digits together
    >
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    With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

    1. Einstein
    2. Oprah Winfrey
    3. Mother Teresa
    4. Imelda Marcos
    5. Bill Gates
    6. Gandhi
    7. Nelson Mandela
    8. Neil Armstrong
    9. Karl
    10. Barack Obama

    Yes - he really does have that effect on people....one day you too can be just like Him!
  5. CaptTom

    CaptTom Senior Member

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    Location:
    Palm Beach to Ft Lauderdale
    I didn't realize Karl/Carl has changed his name to one word, like Cher or Madonna. Maybe he'll change it to a symbol, like Prince. Anyone want to guess what that symbol would look like (I'm thinking one side will be pointy, other side flat, and will have rotor blades).
  6. revdcs

    revdcs Senior Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Fowey in Cornwall

    .....:D
  7. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    Location:
    Guernsey/Antigua
    Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?












    Ones an aussie marsupial.............












    The other is a Scotsman stuck in an elevator.
  8. NYCAP123

    NYCAP123 Senior Member

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    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    :confused: ?
  9. revdcs

    revdcs Senior Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Yes - it does lose something in the translation!

    Imagine someone from Sclotland, especially Glasgow, saying 'Ah canna git oot'

    :)

    P.S - Sorry to Carl. A misstroke of the keys.
  10. NYCAP123

    NYCAP123 Senior Member

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    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    I was just tellin Fish how hard it is for humor to survive the trip across the pond...in either direction. This NYer will just accept that they're roaring over there. Thanks to you and Fish both for trying to help the helpless.:eek: ;)
  11. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    Location:
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    Ed,

    I'll tell this one slowly.

    Murphy returns to Newport News for refit after a long deployment away in the Gulf.

    First furlough, he heads for the roughest bar and meets a chick. They get talking and looking into each others eyes.

    After a few drinks and dances, they are touching hands and feeding each other beernuts in that sexy way only sailors know.

    As the Schlitz Beer sign flashes behind her head, she strokes Murph's cheek, leans towards him and whispers "Honey, I'll do anything for you, for just $150,as long as you can say it in 3 words".


    Murph thinks for a while and says.........................

















    Paint.....my.......boat :D





    The old ones are the best
  12. YachtForums

    YachtForums Publisher/Admin

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    19,481
    Location:
    South Florida
    How to Make a Woman Happy


    It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

    1. a friend
    2. a companion
    3. a lover
    4. a brother
    5. a father
    6. a master
    7. a chef
    8. an electrician
    9. a carpenter
    10. a plumber
    11. a mechanic
    12.. a decorator
    13. a stylist
    14. a sexologist
    15. a gynecologist
    16. a psychologist
    17. a pest exterminator
    18. a psychiatrist
    19. a healer
    20. a good listener
    21. an organizer
    22. a good father
    23. very clean
    24. sympathetic
    25. athletic
    26. warm
    27. attentive
    28. gallant
    29. intelligent
    30. funny
    31. creative
    32. tender
    33. strong
    34. understanding
    35. tolerant
    36. prudent
    37. ambitious
    38. capable
    39. courageous
    40. determined
    41. true
    42. dependable
    43. passionate
    44. compassionate

    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

    45. give her compliments regularly
    46. love shopping
    47. be honest
    48. be very rich
    49. not stress her out
    50. not look at other girls

    AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

    51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
    52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
    53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

    54. Never to forget:

    * birthdays
    * anniversaries
    * arrangements she makes



    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY​


    1. Show up naked
    2. Bring food
    3. Don't block the TV
  13. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    No sweat, my dear.

    Now step aboard the pretty wooden classic yacht.

    That'll teach her, who once had nails. :cool:
  14. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    Q.

    Which of the following is a strange noise made by Canadians?


    A.
  15. PropBet

    PropBet Senior Member

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    Is Everything!
  16. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    Location:
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    I've just heard on the radio a Semi has shed its load of pooltable kit all over the freeway.

    There are cues for miles.
  17. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    I'm going out with a Pornstar.













    Do you think she'll be pissed when I tell her?
  18. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Messages:
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    Location:
    St Augustine, Fl and Thailand
    Fishing with Jack (Daniels)

    I finally got around to goin' fishin' this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
    Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

    Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting' bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishin' with the frog as bait.

    A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same **** snake with two frogs in his mouth .
  19. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Messages:
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    Location:
    St Augustine, Fl and Thailand
    Four Choices

    Career Choices for a Preacher's Son


    An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting close to the time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.



    Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

    One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

    1. A Bible
    2. A silver dollar
    3. A bottle of whiskey
    4. A Playboy magazine.

    "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.



    If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!



    If he picks up the silver dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.



    But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.



    And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

    The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on he table.

    With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He then uncorked the bottle and took a big swig, while he admired this month's centerfold.

    "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress."
  20. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    2,519
    Location:
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    A buddy of mine has been posted to Switzerland for the last 2 years. He has recently married a local girl.

    "Whats she like?"

    "Oh, utterly amazing. With one hand she can cook breakfast, the other makes the bed. One foot can be vacuuming while the other paints."

    "What do you call her?"

    "The Swiss Army Wife."

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