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Boat Jokes...

Discussion in 'Popular Yacht Topics' started by YachtForums, Jan 12, 2004.

  1. Norseman

    Norseman Senior Member

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    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
    interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men
    and a woman.

    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
    door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
    instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
    find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

    The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

    The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your
    wife and go home".

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
    into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

    The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my
    wife."

    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go
    home "

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
    kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
    heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on
    the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
    and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

    "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the
    chair. "
  2. Capt Ralph

    Capt Ralph Senior Member

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    If old pilots designed cars.......
    !cid_1TGfPnipyGEmwGUW4Jtv.jpg
  3. HTMO9

    HTMO9 Senior Member

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    A pessenger ferry drove into a violent thunderstorm and was being thrown around by wind and waves. One very nervous lady was sitting next to a Clergyman and she somewhat angrily asked; “Can’t you do something?” “I’m sorry ma’am, “the reverend said gently. “I’m in sales not management.”
  4. Norseman

    Norseman Senior Member

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    A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

    She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

    Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

    Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

    Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

    Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
    __________________
  5. Norseman

    Norseman Senior Member

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    image.jpeg
  6. Norseman

    Norseman Senior Member

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  7. Kevin

    Kevin YF Moderator

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    [​IMG]
  8. JWY

    JWY Senior Member

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    A few jokes, riddles, and groaners:

    Where did the ship go when it was sick?
    To the dock.

    When is a wall like a fish?
    When it's scaled.

    What kind of fish tastes good with peanut butter?
    A jellyfish.

    What did the ocean say to the shore?
    Nothing, it just waved.

    Where on earth do both ends of a compass needle point north?
    At the South Pole. North is the only direction at the South Pole.

    What kind of lighting did Noah use for his ark?
    Floodlights.

    What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
    A nervous wreck.

    :)
  9. Kevin

    Kevin YF Moderator

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    A couple are out on their brand new yacht one day, enjoying the luxury of ownership for the very first time. The husband pours each of them a glass of champagne and proposes a toast...

    "To our new yakt" he says.

    The wife rolls her eyes and replies, "the 'c' is silent."

    The husband stares out at the end less horizon, and after a moment's contemplation he agrees, "yes, it is very tranquil right now."
  10. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    I'll leave this woodie photo here and you lot can make your own bumper jokes up in your head, as this is a family forum!

    Have a good weekend chaps.

    Riva girl.jpg
  11. HTMO9

    HTMO9 Senior Member

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    Found that one today.

    The Truth.jpg
  12. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    No. Just no!

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  13. Capt Ralph

    Capt Ralph Senior Member

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    The Brothel Parrot

    A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
    There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
    'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.


    The owner looked at her and said,
    'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
    and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'
    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
    She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.


    The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

    When her 2 freshman university twin daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation ,
    considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

    Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.


    The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi Mike.'
    Kevin likes this.
  14. Capt Ralph

    Capt Ralph Senior Member

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    The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

    IRS AUDITOR:"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

    Boat Owner:"Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser's every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

    IRS AUDITOR:"That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

    Boat Owner:"That would be me. What would you like to know"?
  15. Capt Ralph

    Capt Ralph Senior Member

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    A wild eyed (and butt ugly) old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, D.C. waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out;
    “I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber.

    I want to know who’s been sleeping with my husband?”

    A female voice from the back of the room called out, “You’ll Need More Ammo, Mrs. Clinton”.
    Kevin likes this.
  16. Capt Ralph

    Capt Ralph Senior Member

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    The Rabbi Is Leaving - An Oldie But a Goodie!

    At the Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular

    Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”
    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

    Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says; "If the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!”
    More sighs and loud applause.

    Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex.”
    There is total silence.
    The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”
    Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said: "F*** the Rabbi”.
  17. Capt Ralph

    Capt Ralph Senior Member

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  18. Norseman

    Norseman Senior Member

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    I would like to share an experience, to do with drinking and driving.

    As you know, it’s not uncommon to have brushes with 'old bill' on your way home at night. Well I did something about it.

    The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks. Well, after having far too much vino, and knowing full well I had probably had too much, I did something I’ve never done before.

    I took a bus home.

    I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
  19. Norseman

    Norseman Senior Member

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    Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece .

    The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

    The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

    The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

    The Spaniard replied; "No."
  20. Capt Ralph

    Capt Ralph Senior Member

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