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Boat Jokes...

Discussion in 'Popular Yacht Topics' started by YachtForums, Jan 12, 2004.

  1. Capt Ralph

    Capt Ralph Senior Member

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    Understanding Engineers

    Two engineering students were biking across a

    university campus when one said,

    "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied,

    "Well, I was walking along yesterday,

    minding my own business,

    when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,

    threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes

    and said, "Take what you want."

    The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,

    "Good choice:

    The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

    Understanding Engineers #2

    To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

    To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big

    as it needs to be.


    Understanding Engineers #3

    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

    The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

    The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

    The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

    The group fell silent for a moment.

    The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

    The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."

    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


    Understanding Engineers #4

    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

    Mechanical engineers build weapons.

    Civil engineers build targets.


    Understanding Engineers #5

    The graduate with a science degree asks,"Why does it work?"

    The graduate with an engineering degree asks,"How does it work?"

    The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

    The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


    Understanding Engineers #6

    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

    One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. "Just look at all the joints."

    Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

    The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.

    Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



    Understanding Engineers #7

    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.



    Understanding Engineers #8

    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

    He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

    The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

    Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."


    And Finally

    Two repairmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

    A female engineer walked by and asked what they were doing.

    "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

    The engineer took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

    One repairman shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

    Both men have since been removed from their repair jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
  2. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Fishing

    Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

    The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

    As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
  3. UpTime

    UpTime New Member

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    Fernandina Beach, FL
    More on Engineers

    Electrical, civil and chemical engineers were asked to determine the height of a building tower.

    The EE drops a coin from the top, uses a stopwatch to measure how long it takes the coin to hit the ground and uses gravitational acceleration to determine the height.

    The CE measures the distance from the base of the tower to a transit, measures the angle to the top of the tower from the transit and uses trigonometry to determine the height.

    The ChE buys a six pack of beer, gives it to the janitor in exchange for a copy of the tower blue prints to determine the height.
  4. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Va-va-va-vroom
    Mention Ferrari and images of sleek, red road machines come to mine.

    That's the way the Italian sports car maker likes it. And it is not amused
    that a French woman has registered the word Ferrari as a surname.

    If the woman toiled away in anonymity, Ferrari probably wouldn't have
    batted an eye. But Lolo Ferrari makes her living on the French nightclub
    circuit, where her breasts are a major attraction. At a surgically-enhanced
    130 centimeters, its no surprise.

    When she changed her name from Eve Valois and registered the Ferrari
    name with France's National Industrial Property Institute, the carmaker
    decided enough was enough.

    Lolo's lawyer, Serge Potaut, doesn't know what the fuss is all about.

    “There can be no question here of competition, imitation, or an attack on
    the image of the Ferrari car trademark”, he said.

    “The only common denominator she could possibly have with the car is on the chassis level,...but there is no risk of confusion.”
  5. Ju52

    Ju52 Senior Member

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    Frankfurt
    search Youtube for "USS Montana" ... old joke.
  6. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Manure... An interesting fact


    Manure
    : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything
    had to be transported by ship and it was also before
    the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large
    shipments of manure were quite common.


    It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a
    lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it,
    not only did it become heavier, but the process of
    fermentation began again, of which a by product is
    methane gas of course.


    As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can
    see what could (and did) happen.Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM!

    Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it
    was determined just what was happening

    After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped
    with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which
    meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower
    decks so that any water that came into the hold would not
    touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
    Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit)
    which has come down through the centuries and is in
    use to this very day.


    You probably did not know the true history of this word.

    Neither did I, .....I had always thought it was a golf term
  7. olderboater

    olderboater Senior Member

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  8. MaxPower

    MaxPower Senior Member

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    At Sea ... Aahhh ...
    no sh*t !!!

    ;););)
  9. Capt Ralph

    Capt Ralph Senior Member

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    I don't get the joke. Looks rite to me..
    ,rc





    A Caring Husband

    It's the thought that counts.


    He: “My dear, what can I help you with”?

    She: “Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in the pot.”

    pot.jpg
  10. Capt Ralph

    Capt Ralph Senior Member

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    Gov't wise guys ...


    The Newfoundland Department of Employment claimed a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to investigate him.

    Gov’t agent: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

    Boat owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand. He's been with me for 3 years and I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board. I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatts Blue every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

    Gov’t agent: "That's the one I want to talk to – the mentally challenged guy."

    Boat owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know
  11. YachtForums

    YachtForums Publisher/Admin

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    I've just stripped this thread of ad libs. Can we please just post jokes? Added commentary dilutes the thread.
  12. Jorge Lang

    Jorge Lang Senior Member

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    With all respect to the women on Yacht Forums, I saw this and couldn't resist;

    A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
  13. NEO56

    NEO56 Member

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    Just heard this one today...I'll marine it for YF.

    Old bum, semi drunk is wandering down the dock of a local marina, comes upon a guy with the engine hatch open with black smoke coming out...and this horrible noise, then sees the man jump out and kill the engine, while sweating and cussing, the bum says "What's the problem?" The boater looks up and says "Piston broke". The bum replies "Yeah...me too...so what's the problem?"
  14. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

    Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..

    All of a sudden... POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
    Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
    Then POOF! ... She was gone!


    After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
    Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
    Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING FRED; FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!!!'
  15. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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  16. Kafue

    Kafue Senior Member

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    Pasta Deliveries... pasta special (480x343).jpg
  17. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    So the Admiral asks you to peel some spuds for the family? What else are going to do?

    Of course, reach for the toilet brush . :D


  18. Norseman

    Norseman Senior Member

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    Various types of Orgasms:
    The Positive Oragasm: Oh Yes, Oh Yes, yeeees.
    The Negative Orgasm: Oh Now, Oh No, noooo..
    The Religous Orgasm: Oh Jesus, Oh Jesus, Jesuuuus..
    The Fake Orgasm: Oh Captain, Oh Captain....
  19. NEO56

    NEO56 Member

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    I've always wondered who Atheists call out to when they have Orgasms?;)
  20. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    Subject: Mr Schitt
    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt". Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, Giva, Fulla, Bull, and the twins Deep and Dip.

    Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

    After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

    Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptuals. The Schitt-Happens' children were named Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new wife, Pisa Schitt.

    Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" you can correct them.

    Sincerely,
    Crock O. Schitt.

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