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Boat Jokes...

Discussion in 'Popular Yacht Topics' started by YachtForums, Jan 12, 2004.

  1. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    Anyone in the autumn of their years pondering their mortality should take heart from the advice given by a tough old fishingboat skipper from Maine to his granddaughter,

    The secret to a long life, he counselled, was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every morning.

    The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

    She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren,

    and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
  2. Turtle9343

    Turtle9343 New Member

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    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bar patrons all stare at him a while until one person finally has the nerve to ask him about it. The man says "excuse me, Mr. Pirate, but do you know there is a steering wheel stuck in your pants?" The pirate looks at the man and says "arrr, I know, it's drivin' me nuts."
  3. MaxPower

    MaxPower Senior Member

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    At Sea ... Aahhh ...
  4. MaxPower

    MaxPower Senior Member

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    At Sea ... Aahhh ...
  5. Kafue

    Kafue Senior Member

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  6. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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  7. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    Just heard on the News that the local Police are going to start fining any bad driving very heavily this Holiday period.

    That's pretty harsh and, well, sexist.
  8. 84far

    84far Senior Member

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    For all you sailors out there! Cheers

    Far

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  9. Old Phart

    Old Phart Senior Member

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  10. NYCAP123

    NYCAP123 Senior Member

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    Walking the dog

    WALKING THE DOG
    A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.

    The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

    Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.

    A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

    The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."

    Picture this:

    All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind! Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !

    People scattered. They not only tried to change planes,but they were trying to change airlines!

    True story.....
    Have a great day and remember.....
    THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
  11. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Perfect Man

    ...saw this on another forum....ha...ha


    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

    He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

    Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order,and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie : "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."
  12. Capt Ralph

    Capt Ralph Senior Member

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  13. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    I got my nephew a beautiful big varnished wooden horse for Christmas.

    I bought it from Troys 'R' Us.
  14. chuckb

    chuckb Senior Member

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  15. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    The holidays are now over, sunshine.

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  16. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Crows in Boston

    Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

    A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.



    By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

    MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

    When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
  17. Norseman

    Norseman Senior Member

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    The Irish

    Sad story...


  18. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    I recently bought a sailing jacket from my local Chandlery for $30 reduced from $350, it had on the label 'Imperfect'.

    Well, I checked the lining, the pockets , the collar, etc and the only thing I could find wrong was that one of the sleeves was slightly longer than the other two.
  19. HTMO9

    HTMO9 Senior Member

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    Quote of the famous Sir Winston Churchill

    The famous late Mr. Churchill, well known for his high affinity to spirituous beverages and his lack of tolerance against grumbling women, accidently meets a Lady in the House of Parliament.

    The Lady looks at him and adresses him with the following weighty words: "You are drunk Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk.

    "Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock are ugly, and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill will be sober."

    "Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea!"

    "And if you were my wife, I would drink it!"

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  20. Old Phart

    Old Phart Senior Member

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