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Boat Jokes...

Discussion in 'Popular Yacht Topics' started by YachtForums, Jan 12, 2004.

  1. Ju52

    Ju52 Senior Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Frankfurt
    Yep

    This is a mess in Germany, we have no more panthers here
  2. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    A very bad day.

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  3. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    The Captain took to being sent to jail really badly.

    He refused all food and drink,

    spat and swore at everyone and

    smeared the walls with his own poop.

    The Crew said they are never playing Monopoly with him again.
  4. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    I think we've all wanted a can of this at some point. :D

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  5. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    I went to stay with a mate's family in the Middle East. As I was a bit jetlagged and laying in bed, a very pretty girl brought me some tea. Got up to have breakfast by the pool and the beautiful girl with the big brown eyes brings some fruit to the table.

    As she walked away, with a lovely little wiggle of the hips, the kids said "Thank you, Vashdi" She brought some fresh coffee for us and everyone said "Thank you, Vashdi".

    Heck, this girl is just so beautiful. You know what I mean? Just like Jasmina in the cartoon Aladdin. Oh, Vashdi. Such a lovely name. What does it mean? Summer days, a flower, raindrops?

    Ahhh.......Vashdi, Vashdi, Vashdi. I think I'm slightly taken by you. So slim and curvaceous, any man's heart would melt.

    I got up from the pool lounger to get some more ice for the Rum punch, and in the kitchen was my mate's wife talking to the beautiful Vashdi.

    As I looked up from the the fridge, Vashdi was telling the wife "I've vashdi sheets, vashdi floors and now I'll vashdi vindows."

    Somehow the romance drifted away..............:D
  6. HTMO9

    HTMO9 Senior Member

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    Europe
    Not really a boat joke, but ......:D

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  7. Old Phart

    Old Phart Senior Member

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    I dunno
    A dinghy (dink) tale

    Two kids, Jack and Jill, went up a hill, not to fetch a pail of water.

    Upon arriving at the top, Jack looked around, saw they were alone, and dropped his draws, informing Jill he had something she did not have, with a big old smile.

    Not be out-done, Jill dropped her draws and informed Jack that her Mommy told her that with one of these, I could have all of those I want, with a wink.
  8. HTMO9

    HTMO9 Senior Member

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    Europe
    Quote of day

    "Due to rising energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. Sorry for inconvenience!"
  9. 84far

    84far Senior Member

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    Location:
    Brisbane, AUS
  10. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    DATING IN THE 60s.

    It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963, and James had a date with Annabella. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

    'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James. 'Have a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?' 'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.

    'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked.

    'Oh, probably go to a film and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.

    'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

    'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.

    'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends,that's all they do!'
    'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously. ' Oh yes,' she said. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

    'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

    A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
    She greeted James.

    'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.
    Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

    'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.
    'The bloody dance is called the ....Twist!'
  11. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    As we on YF are a very International gang, I liked this joke:-

    An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?”

    The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
  12. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Location:
    St Augustine, Fl and Thailand
    Baseball Kid.jpg



    At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
    9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you
    understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The
    little boy nodded in the affirmative.



    'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
    or lose together as a team?'

    The little boy nodded 'yes'.



    'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an
    out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire,
    or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or *******. Do you
    understand all that? '

    The little boy nodded 'yes' again.



    He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so
    another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good
    sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or
    ****head" is it?'

    The little boy shook his head 'NO'.





    'GOOD', said the coach . . . 'Now go over there and
    explain all that to your grandmother!'
  13. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    The Skipper is in the engineroom as his young, new blonde wife is in the saloon.

    "Please come up here and help me. I'm having difficulty with a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started and it's starting to annoy me."

    The skipper replies, "Jigsaw, what's it supposed to be?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

    "If it's causing you trouble I'll come up and help"

    When he arrives she is even more upset and frustrated and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, turns to her
    and says,

    "Honey, go and make some coffee while I put the f**king Frosties back in the box!"
  14. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Political Correctness....had enough?

    Who remembers the Battle of Trafalgar?


    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
    >Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

    Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
    >Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

    Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
    >Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
    >Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
    >Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."
    >Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

    Nelson: "**** it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
    >Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

    Nelson: "What?"
    >Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
    >Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
    >Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
    >Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
    >Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
    >Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
    >Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
    >Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

    Nelson: "We're not?"
    > Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
    > Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
    > Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

    Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
    > Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
    > Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
    Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
  15. MaxPower

    MaxPower Senior Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2008
    Messages:
    435
    Location:
    At Sea ... Aahhh ...
    not a boat joke, but couldn't resist ...

    :D

    =======================

    Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

    Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds ...

    You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
  16. Johngb24560

    Johngb24560 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2013
    Messages:
    28
    Location:
    Subic Bay
    Job Applicication True

    BUNNINGS JOB APPLICATION

    This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads.
    They hired him because he was so funny....



    NAME:
    Kenneth Way (Grumpy *******)

    SEX:
    Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

    DESIRED POSITION:
    Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.
    If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

    DESIRED SALARY:
    $150,000 a year plus share options and a Julia Gillard style redundancy package.
    If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION:
    Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD:
    Target for middle management hostility.

    PREVIOUS SALARY:
    A lot less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
    My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING:
    It was a crap job.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
    Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS:
    1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
    Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
    If I had one, would I be here'?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD
    PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 20 Kgs.?:
    Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
    I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
    I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer,
    so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?:
    On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
    Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and
    who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
    Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    NEAREST RELATIVE?:
    12 Kms

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
    TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
    Oh yes. absolutely.
  17. Johngb24560

    Johngb24560 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2013
    Messages:
    28
    Location:
    Subic Bay
    The Greeter

    After landing my new job as a Bunnings "Greeter" -
    a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . .. .

    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
    unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her
    two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
    "Good morning and welcome to Bunnings."
    I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

    The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
    "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7,
    why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

    I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe
    someone shagged you twice....
    Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings."

    My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.



    ***Old People Rock!***
  18. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    2,715
    Location:
    Guernsey/Antigua
    Tiger Wood & Stevie Wonder are on the yacht...

    Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

    Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

    Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but
    I think I've got that fixed, now."

    Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
    playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
    play, it seems to be all right."

    Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

    Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

    Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

    Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
    and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
    towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves
    to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
    towards his voice."

    "But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

    "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
    and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
    towards his voice."

    Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

    Stevie: "Actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

    Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round
    sometime."

    Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
    money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a
    problem?"

    Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game.
    $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

    Stevie: "Pick a night." :D
  19. Kafue

    Kafue Senior Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2006
    Messages:
    1,150
    Location:
    Gold Coast Australia
    A London Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

    As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

    More than a little distraught, the London Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

    Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

    After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody London Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

    'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

    The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

    The London Banker looks down in horror.

    ' BLOODY HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...
  20. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2007
    Messages:
    2,715
    Location:
    Guernsey/Antigua
    A letter of warning about lions.

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