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Boat Jokes...

Discussion in 'Popular Yacht Topics' started by YachtForums, Jan 12, 2004.

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  1. carelm

    carelm Senior Member

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    Location:
    fairfax va
    On aging:

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  2. dennismc

    dennismc Senior Member

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    Vancouver BC
    Bus Joke

    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.''CASE DISMISSED!!'
  3. carelm

    carelm Senior Member

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    Location:
    fairfax va
    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.




    I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.




    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.




    I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."




    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"




    And that's how the fight started...
  4. chuckb

    chuckb Senior Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Maine
    Take a cab...

    Read it to the end! ;)
    -----------
    With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

    As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

    Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past.

    I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before.

    I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. :D
  5. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    St Augustine, Fl and Thailand
  6. chesapeake46

    chesapeake46 Senior Member

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    Chesapeake Bay, Delaware Bay & S.Jersey
    cleaning up

    So it's winter and I'm doing a good cleaning of the boat.
    In the Master Stateroom, on my Wife's side, tucked between the mattress and the hull I was supprized to find:
    Hand cuffs
    A mask
    A big whip !!:eek:

    Who'dda thunk it, my Wife's a Superhero !!!:)

    Merry Christmas everyone.
  7. carelm

    carelm Senior Member

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    fairfax va
    The Old Sailer

    An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

    He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'


    The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

    'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

    She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back!'
  8. Bishop6042

    Bishop6042 New Member

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    Tampa, FL
    I might think twice before entering this harbor.

    [​IMG]
  9. carelm

    carelm Senior Member

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    Hotel Problem

    Hotel Problem

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  10. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.

    Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
  11. Kafue

    Kafue Senior Member

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  12. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    Grrrrr.......

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  13. HTMO9

    HTMO9 Senior Member

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    Be happy Fish, that is almost axactly 50 % of the amount of what we pay in Germany at the moment. Can You imagine, it takes you 170 Euro to fill up your Bugatty Veyron and it takes only 12 minutes to end up with an empty tank. I feel very sorry with those poor Veyron Drivers. The government should give out fuel stamps for them.:p
  14. chuckb

    chuckb Senior Member

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  15. CR CRUISER

    CR CRUISER Member

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    Location:
    Campbell River, BC
    A customer sent me a new poster for my wall. It says:

    If you love work

    But hate money

    Buy a boat.
  16. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    DIALOGUE BETWEEN A SOCIAL WORKER LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A SENIOR MALE BEER DRINKER:

    Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

    Man: Yes.


    Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
    Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.


    Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
    Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.


    Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
    Man: 15 years.


    Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming
    3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year,
    you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
    Man: Correct.


    Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
    Man: Correct.


    Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the
    last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

    ___________________________________


    Man: Do you drink?
    Lady Interviewer: No.

    Man: So where's your Ferrari?
  17. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    The Engineer checked the package again, it said cook the lasagna at 120 degrees.

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  18. HTMO9

    HTMO9 Senior Member

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    This old joke is ment against pilots, but would it fit also for a skipper? :eek:

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  19. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Old Dog

    An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


    The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"


    Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the oldGerman Shepherd exclaims loudly,


    "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"


    Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


    "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"






    Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.


    The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


    The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"


    Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...


    "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"




    Moral of this story...

    Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

    Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.



    Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.

    You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
  20. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Kiwi, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

    The landlord says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

    :D

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