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Boat Jokes...

Discussion in 'Popular Yacht Topics' started by YachtForums, Jan 12, 2004.

  1. revdcs

    revdcs Senior Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Fowey in Cornwall
    Financial Crisis

    Off topic - but 'topical'.

    [And with apologies to our beloved friends and members from Greece. This could really be any country in the world!]

    It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

    On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

    The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The owner of the Farmers' Market takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

    At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves the village.

    No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

    And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works!
  2. 84far

    84far Senior Member

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    Location:
    Brisbane, AUS
  3. Laurence

    Laurence Senior Member

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    Location:
    Chattanooga TN
    Taxpayer funds

    "At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves the village".

    This works only if the "bailout" money gets repaid!
  4. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Location:
    St Augustine, Fl and Thailand
    I typed 'Hell' instead of 'Hull' into my Sat-Nav.....I still got there.
  5. tirekicker11

    tirekicker11 Senior Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2010
    Messages:
    323
    Location:
    SE Asia
    Ways to Simulate Navy Life at Home

    1.Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
    2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
    3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
    4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc.)
    5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
    6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four-hour period.
    7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
    8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
    9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
    10. Listen to your favorite CD six times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.
    11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about ten inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
    12. Set your alarm to go off at ten-minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table so you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.
    13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
    14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
    15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "Fire! Fire! Fire!" and then restore power.
    16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a "black water system" boo-boo.
    17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
    18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
    19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
    20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
    21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
    22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.
    23. Every ten weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
    24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
    25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
    26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.
    27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
    28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
    29. Remind yourself every day: "It's not just a job, It's An Adventure!
    30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.
    31. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.
    32. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.
    33. Paint your house gray (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car gray, paint your driveway a different shade of gray.
    34. Clean your house until there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.


    Source: Simulate Navy Life at Home
  6. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2004
    Messages:
    2,857
    Location:
    St Augustine, Fl and Thailand
    MISINTERPRETATION...


    I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

    One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

    So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?" :rolleyes:

    That's pretty much the last thing I remember... :eek::D
  7. chuckb

    chuckb Senior Member

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    Maine
  8. Reverend Bob

    Reverend Bob New Member

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    Aug 27, 2012
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    Location:
    California
    Husband and Wife Diaries

    Wife's Diary:

    Tonight, I thought my loving husband* was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date.

    Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it. So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset..

    He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

    On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

    I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

    When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

    He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

    He continued to seem distant and absent.

    Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

    But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

    He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

    My life is a disaster.


    ****************


    Husband's Diary:

    Boat won't start, can't figure out why.


    Cheers,
    Rev Bob

    "if it's gonna happen, it'll happen out there"
  9. Boatbuilder

    Boatbuilder New Member

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    Jun 27, 2011
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    Location:
    Anacortes WA
    The Inheritance

    A very wealthy man has three sons. He is getting on in years and decides he wants to give the sons their inheritance while he is alive so he can see what they do with it. He gives each one 10 million dollars, and asks them to report back to him in exactly 365 days.

    The anniversary arrives and the first son, who is a doctor, reports that he had always wanted to give back by helping the truly impoverished peoples in Africa by providing safe drinking water and medical clinics in remote villages and brought pictures and stories to show.

    The second son is a lawyer, and having gotten into law in the first place from a strong sense of defending the poor and downtrodden, he fostered a nation wide chain of inner city law offices, providing top flight legal representation for free. He had newspaper clippings from all across the country of victories he had made possible

    The father, seeing his sons utilizing their inheritances so selflessly is beaming with pride.

    The youngest son now begins his report saying, "Well Dad, you know I am a boatbuilder, and I reckoned I'd just keep building boats until the money was all gone."
  10. 84far

    84far Senior Member

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    Location:
    Brisbane, AUS
    Lol! Noted!

    Far

    Attached Files:

  11. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    Guernsey/Antigua
    A guy buys a boat for cruising the local waterways and canals. It's his pride and joy. He varnishes the wood and has the whole boat painted, right down to having the name gold-leafed onto either side near the stern.

    One night there is a storm and lots of surge in the marina. So after work, he drives down to the marina to check the bilgepumps and cleats. As it is now late, he gets a pizza and a few suds and decides to spend the night on the boat.

    Around midnight he hears a tap-tap-tap on the side of the boat, so he goes to the aftdeck to see what it is.

    There is an old man in a raincoat standing there, who asks "Do you need a hand"?

    "No thanks" says the guy and goes back down below.

    An hour later, the same thing. Tap-tap-tap on the hull.

    A young guy in a pink shirt asks "Do you need a hand"?

    "No, no, I'm fine thanks". He returns, scratching his head.

    This happens twice more during the night, so first thing in the morning he marches to the marina office to complain about the disturabances during the night.

    The marina manager apologises for the lack of sleep suffered and asks which boat he is staying on?

    "It's 'Canal Cruiser' , my pride and joy".

    "Ah" says the manager "I have some bad news. During the storm a fender has been rubbing your hull".

    He sighs *The first letter of your boat name has sadly been worn off".
  12. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    Guernsey/Antigua
    Lactose intolerance:-

    When a dyslexic won't pay $75 for a T-shirt with a crocodile logo on it.
  13. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    Location:
    St Augustine, Fl and Thailand
    a New Word

    I know this word has to cross your mind once in a while, it does mine

    .....Exhaustipated


    Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.
    It will be especially useful to us senior folks!

    Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a ****.
  14. Old Phart

    Old Phart Senior Member

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    I dunno
    New word; old expression




    In other words of old, too pooped to poop.
  15. chuckb

    chuckb Senior Member

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    Maine
    Anticipointment

    Exhaustipated brings to mind one of my favorites:

    Anticipointment:D
  16. Fishtigua

    Fishtigua Senior Member

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    Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering, 'If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X, a long side, Y, and hypotenuse, Z, then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X and the square of, erm... uh...'

    The barman says, 'Y, the long face?'
  17. Kafue

    Kafue Senior Member

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  18. Norseman

    Norseman Senior Member

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    Ft. Lauderdale
    That was funny as hell, I will save it and send to friends...
  19. carelm

    carelm Senior Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2011
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    Location:
    fairfax va
    Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exams. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk". The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student in particular was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

    1. It is the perfect formula for the child.
    2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
    3. It is always the correct temperature.
    4. It is inexpensive.
    5. It bonds the child to the mother and vice versa.
    6. It is always available as needed.

    And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the ball rang which ended the test, he wrote:

    7. It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

    He got an A.
  20. johnny mac

    johnny mac New Member

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    Dec 14, 2010
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    Location:
    Great Lakes area
    Bio Joke

    LOL...Thats a keeper!