Discussion in 'Popular Yacht Topics' started by YachtForums, Jan 12, 2004.
David, I guess first you must get the boat on the 'plain'.
sorry buddy ... couldn't resist it ...
Was that your first girlfriend taking you for a spin?
Not joking, I'm laid up in bed with neck problems from speedboat racing last weekend. The good side is I've had some really whacky dreams on the drugs.
I beat the Icecream van down the slipway to the first mark. Just going to pop another pill now.
Those bloody elephants never waterski my way......................Weeeeeeeeee
After a cruise ship sinks, three blonds wash up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each of them one wish.
The first blond asks to be intelligent. Instantly she is turned into a brunette and she swims off the the island.
The second blond asks to be even more intelligent. Instantly she is turned into a red head, she builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blond asks to be even more intelligent than the previous two. She is instantly turned into a man and walks across the bridge.
The magician and the parrot
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?
Just got a text from my old captain.
He smashed his brand new Merc into a lemon tree.
He's now bitter and twisted.
Nothing personal, I thinks its just too funny!
It's mid-afternoon. A big man, visably angry, walks into a bar, slams his hand onto the bar and in a loud voice says "give me a double whiskey". Bartender walks over, pours him his shot. The man raises the shotglass to his lips, opens his mouth, and throws it back. He then takes the shotglass, slams it on the bar counter and says, "give me another"! While the bar tenderr is pouring the drink, the angry man yells "you know, all lawyers are A-holes's"! At that, another man, obviously drunk, his head resting on the bar counter lifts it up and in slurred speech says "I heard that, I take exception to that statement, sir"! The angry patron looks down to the end of the bar and yells "oh, yeah, what are you, an attorney?" He replies, "no I'm an A-hole".
Drafting Guys Over 60
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to
join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take
us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't
sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe
letting us kill some a__hole that desperately deserves it
will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn't even liketo get up before 10am. Old guys
always get up early to pee, so what the h... Besides, like I
said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may
as well be up killing some fanatical S O B.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where
we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also
developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them
for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the
screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope
hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've
never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The
last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know
that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
There is a shipwreck and there are the following people are stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following events have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on *****ing about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
We had a nice blonde lady come into the Store today. She asked if she could have a 710 for her engine., as she had lost her's.
We all looked at the other guys with a smile and asked what she meant by a 710?
"Oh, you know, the bit in the middle of the motor".
Not sure what she was asking for, we showed her a motor. She pointed at the part missing.
Blonde Fishing Buddies
Two blonde fishing buddies rented a boat early one Saturday morning and headed out for a day on the lake. They both caught their limit and headed home to fried fish dinners. The next Saturday they decided to go fishing again.
"Did you mark the spot?" asked Blonde #1.
"Yup," said Blonde #2. "I put a big X on the bottom of the boat."
"You dummy!" said Blonde #1. "What if we don't get the same boat?"
Cowboy in heaven...
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
I don't post them often, but I came across this one and got a good chuckle out of it.
My German friends always laugh at this one.
The German Joke - QI - Series 9 - Episode 8 - BBC Two - YouTube
Beer, fishing, golf and sex....
A man walking down the street was accosted by a particularly dirty and
shabby-looking homeless man who asked for a couple of dollars for something to eat.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it for fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend it on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money, Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
There I was, sitting at the bar in the Yacht Club, staring at my drink, when a large, trouble-making engineer steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, so menacingly that I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the engineer says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can`t stand to see a skipper crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late getting my owner back to the marina, he missed a vital meeting and fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and my insurance has expired. I left my wallet in the taxi I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man, my teenage daughter in bed with an older woman - and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; I drop a capsule in; and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!"
"But enough about me... how's your day going?"
Last night I saw one of the best practical jokes I'd ever seen pulled on a captain. Some of you may have seen it and will enjoy reliving the memory.
I was watching an older episode of Deadliest Catch. Now anybody who has ever seen the show knows that these guys often push themselves for 30 or 40 hours straight and bring themselves close to delirium. They also know that Sig of the Northwestern is pretty tightly wrapped. In the episode I saw last night the boys of the Time Bandit (who we know are some of the biggest pranksters on the Bering Sea) unplugged their AIS, went dark and moved about a mile upwind of the Northwestern undetected. Then they released about 20 or 30 miniature hot air balloons lifted and illuminated by candles. As they drifted through the sky past the Northwestern's wheelhouse I thought Sig was going to come unglued. As this was happening, the Time Bandit slid right in front of the Northwestern and suddenly flipped on all their lights. I was rolling on the floor.
I recall that one as well NYCap.
The others that slay me are the flour bag on the bridle as it pretty much grenades as it comes up through the rigging, and the ever remarkable, "let's put all our trash in their pot and reset it" trick.
The 4 flour bags was the same episode when they decided the greenhorn would be asked back for opies. It was their welcome although I've seen that done before, but not with 4. Even when they do an old standard prank they bring it up a few notches. My wife is convinced that all men are nuts.