Boat Jokes...

Not a Boat Joke but it made me laugh out loud.

http://irishsoccerinsider.wordpress.com/2009/11/11/french-and irish-fall-out-over-box-incident/

Merci et bon nuit

Petits Poissons

Two very nice chaps came around the house this morning.

The first one wanted to know if I had thought, on this, God's Winter Morn, about my carpets and rugs.

I think he was a Jeh-Hoovers Witness.

The second looked at my car on the driveway and asked if I had studied the Pope's thinking on Global Warming?

He was definitely a Catholic Converter.

Fish

Can anyone spot a YF'er in this vid?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GkugOvoLus&feature=related

FISHTIGUA...

I believe you must have too much free time on your hands... but I consider that statement a compliment...

Keep'em coming.... love that classical high brow music! Cracked me up.

the Old Sailor

The "Old Sailor" can't go to sea any longer, so he seeks out another job on land

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired sailor, 72 years old, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- a chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts icking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display ike that in my life." He then turns to the retired sailor and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old sailor replies,

"No problem, just get that lion out of there."

The Doctor

I was sent this and although it doesn't have anything directly to do with a boat except maybe the Cardiologist owns one thought it would fit here.

what is the difference between an oyster shucker with epilepsy and a hooker with diarrhea ?










The oyster shucker, shucks between fits................

20 some years ago I was about to get married.
The wedding was in just a few days or so.
I stopped by my girlfriends house to pick her up on a Friday night date.
The house was empty except for her younger sister.
Now my girlfriend was pretty nice looking and her little sister was equally pretty.
This night she was wearing shortie shorts and a little skimpy white tee shirt.
She had a little more make up on that I remembered her using too.
Anyhow she told me that nobody was home and nobody was expected back home for about 2 hours.
She said she had always liked me alot and since I was going to be marrying her sister soon and I'd be " off limits" after the wedding, well, maybe we could go upstairs and just one time have a roll in the hay.

My knees began to tremble and I felt a bead of sweat run down my back.
She was really looking good.
I turned on my heel and shot straight out the front door the way I came in only to find my future father-in-law, mother-in-law and girlfriend standing outside.
Her Dad hugged me and said, " Son, I'm glad to see you make the right decision, welcome to the family!!"

The moral of the story is : Always keep your condoms in the glove box.

Boat Jokes?

Maybe we can get back to the boat jokes now.

These workmen have just finished putting up bollards to prevent secretaries from parking their cars outside Dublin Docks Customs and Excise Office

Looks like they're doing nice work. Two questions though: 1) Are they sure it's a good idea to tick off the secretaries? and 2) How exactly do they expect to get their truck out?

Heard the one about the three blondes that went ice fishing and didn't catch anything?

By the time they cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was time to go home.

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. After makind love, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called." she says speaking in a cheery voice.

"Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific...

Great!...

Thanks...

Okay...

Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Being The Boss

A guy owned a small family marina. The Dept. of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the agent.
"Well" replied the owner, "there's the mechanic who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board.
The yard guy has been here for 18 months and I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of burbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to- the half-wit", says the agent.

"That would be me", replied the boss.

An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

This is a joke a retired tug captain told me the other day...

A local tug company put out an add seeking a captain for one of their new tug boats in Savannah, they got three replies.

The first was a recent graduate of the Merchant Marine Academy. He graduated at the top of his class and grew up sailing and yachting around Long Island. Very impressive but not quite what they wanted.

The second was an Annapolis grad with a very extensive Naval resume. Even more impressive but not quite what they needed.

The third guy walks in and says I used to run a shrimp boat around here for a number of years. They ask for his resume and training. He scratches his head and say I ain't never been to school but I have been stuck on every gd sandbar from Jacksonville to Charleston. They said when can you start.

A beautiful young stewardess is the only survivor of a yacht sinking and after two days in a life raft, is washed up on a small island. As she clambers out of the raft onto the beach she sees a handsome young man walking towards her. She’s delighted that the island has inhabitants - but it soon transpires that he was shipwrecked as a young boy many years ago and has lived here all alone ever since.

He shows her around the island. His makeshift home, the small garden where he grows things to eat, the place where he catches the best fish etc… He then gives her some food and as they sit eating she asks ‘what do you do all day?’ ‘Well, I fish, dig for clams, tend the garden, watch out for ships – that sort of thing?’ After a short silence she asks him what he does for sex. ‘What’s sex?’ he asks. She explains and finding him rather attractive, coyly asks if he would like to try it with her. He agrees and much fun ensues.

Afterwards, as they lie together in the warm of the sun, she asks him what he thought of his first experience. ‘That was excellent’ he said. ‘Just one small problem though – look what you’ve done to my clam digger!’

I had a text from a friend today.

"I was comeing round to see you in my new Toyota. Can't stop, must dash.*






At lunchtime I had a Drive-thru McDonalds.
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Must get the Prius' brakes checked.


Sorry, I had to get them out of my head.

Fish