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Boat Jokes...

Discussion in 'Popular Yacht Topics' started by YachtForums, Jan 12, 2004.

  1. YachtForums

    YachtForums Publisher/Admin

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    The following is supposedly a documented conversation between the USS Lincoln and a Canadian "vessel"....

    Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

    Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the captain of a us navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

    Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

    Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
  2. YachtForums

    YachtForums Publisher/Admin

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    A doctor, a dentist and an attorney were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard. Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.

    They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land. Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside. The dentist yelled, "it's a miracle!"

    "No", said the doctor, "That's professional courtesy!"
  3. YachtForums

    YachtForums Publisher/Admin

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    This is totally unrelated to yachting, but then again... I know a number of yacht owners that can relate to this.

    The International Sign for Marriage...

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  4. AMG

    AMG YF Moderator

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    Off topic, but fun...!

    I heard this little story first today and found it pretty good... :D

    "Painting job"

    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

    She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

    The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    "You're finished already?" he asked.

    "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

    Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

    "And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

    :eek: :eek: :D :D
  5. orion

    orion Senior Member

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    Wrong name could make some trouble.... :D :D :D

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  6. jediwhite

    jediwhite Senior Member

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    Similar but true

    I saw a motor yacht in Newport a couple of years ago and when I asked how it got its name, was told that the owner asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday. It was called 'Pearl Necklace'
    Unfortunately he probably did not understand that saying has another meaning in the rest of the world outside the US !!!
  7. orion

    orion Senior Member

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    Yes, as you told us we build it with a V-hull..... :eek:

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  8. AMG

    AMG YF Moderator

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    OK, since it is Friday night I´ll add another child-safe Blond Story;

    Redhead

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor´s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

    "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

    The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

    Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

    The doctor says, "You´re not really a redhead, are you?"

    "Well, no" she says, "I´m actually a blonde."

    "I thought so" the doctor says.

    "Your finger is broken".
  9. YachtForums

    YachtForums Publisher/Admin

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    I guess this could happen on a boat...

    Subject: "What time is it?"

    A cop was patrolling at night at a local lovers lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on.. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

    The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

    "What are you doing?"

    "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "

    Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And
    her, what is she doing?"

    The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover
    sweater."

    Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at
    night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your
    age, young man?"

    "I'm 25, sir."

    "And her ... what's her age?"

    The young man looks at his watch and replies:

    "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
  10. YachtForums

    YachtForums Publisher/Admin

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    The 5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship...

    ..1 It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
    cooks, cleans & has a job.

    ..2 It's important have a woman who can make you
    laugh.

    ..3 It's important to have a woman who you can
    trust and doesn't lie.

    ..4 It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
    and likes being with you.

    ..5 It's very, very important that these four women
    don't know each other.
  11. Kevin

    Kevin YF Moderator

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    Nautical Terms:

    Ahoy
    The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

    Bar
    Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

    Boom
    A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

    Bulkhead
    Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

    Cabin
    A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.

    Calm
    Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

    Channel
    Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

    Current
    Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

    Fitting Out
    Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

    Flipper
    Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17

    Flotsam
    Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.

    Fluke
    The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

    Galley
    Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
    Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

    Gear
    Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.

    Gimbals
    Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

    Grounding
    Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

    Hatch
    An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

    Hull speed
    The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

    Jibe
    Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.

    Lanyard
    A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

    Leeward
    The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

    Life jacket
    Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

    Mizzen
    The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

    Moon
    Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions are generally favourable.

    Motor sailer
    A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.

    Ocean racing
    Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.

    Passage
    Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.

    Pontoon
    Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit

    Pilotage
    The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

    Port
    1. Left on a boat.
    2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

    Propeller
    Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

    Radar
    Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.

    Regatta
    Organised sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.

    Sailing
    The find art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

    Satellite Navigation
    Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

    Single handed sailing
    The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

    Spinnaker
    Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.

    Tides
    The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

    Yardarm
    Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.
  12. Kevin

    Kevin YF Moderator

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    Those were mostly sail oriented.... but still funny. :)

    Here's another I just found:
    [​IMG]
  13. dbart9

    dbart9 New Member

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    This isn't reltated to boating, but It's a great story.....

    Subject: FW: Chemistry exam



    Subject: logic


    The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
    Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
    "profound"
    that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which
    is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
    (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
    (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
    variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:
    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
    need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
    at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
    soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

    As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
    religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
    that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
    Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
    belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
    Hell.

    With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
    souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
    change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
    for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
    Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:
    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
    enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
    until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster
    than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
    will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?
    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
    that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
    into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
    must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
    frozen over.

    The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
    follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
    extinct...
    leaving
    only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
    explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
  14. Kevin

    Kevin YF Moderator

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    Not exactly a "joke", but amusing nonetheless: What's Your Pirate Name?

    I came up with:
    Black Davy Vane
    Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. You tend to blend into the background occaisionally, but that's okay, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!

    Suits me well. LOL
  15. dbart9

    dbart9 New Member

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    Engineers, Take Three:

    The optimist: The glass is half full.
    The pesimist: The glass is half empty.
    The Engineer: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
  16. YachtForums

    YachtForums Publisher/Admin

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    An interesting irony...

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  17. Kevin

    Kevin YF Moderator

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    Not a joke, but funny nonetheless:

  18. Norseman

    Norseman Senior Member

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    Subject: Engineers!!



    Understanding Engineers - One

    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

    Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.



    ------------------------------------------



    Understanding Engineers - Two


    The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work ?"

    The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work ?"

    The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost ?"

    The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that ?"


    ------------------------------------------

    Understanding Engineers - Three



    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

    One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

    Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
    many thousands of electrical connections."

    The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
    Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


    ------------------------------------------

    Understanding Engineers - Four
    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
    believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

    ------------------------------------------

    Understanding Engineers - Five
    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
    over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a
    beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
    I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the
    engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a
    beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
    anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"

    The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
    girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
  19. brian eiland

    brian eiland Senior Member

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    How to Sell (fishing gear)

    A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

    The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
    The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
    Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
    "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "

    His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down...

    "How many sales did you make today?"
    The kid says, "One."
    The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
    The kid says, "$112,237.64."

    The boss says, "$112,237.64 !! :confused: What the hell did you sell ?"

    Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

    Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

    Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

    The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

    Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.":D
  20. Codger

    Codger YF Wisdom Dept.

    Joined:
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    Scotsman attends his first baseball game.

    A Scotsman comes to Canada aboard a ship and then attends his first baseball game.
    The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run"
    The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
    The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls:"Walk."
    The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
    The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy *******, rrrun!"
    The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
    A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains,
    "He can't run -- he's got four balls."
    The Scot stands up and screams:
    "Walk with pride, Laddie!"


    This will probably get pulled but I heard it this afternoon and I've been laughing ever since.

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