[Neil Rooney]

What's the difference between a Yachtie and a Boatie?

Yachties shower daily.

[V65]

One morning John noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since the ship sank six months ago.

As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. He very soon thereafter realized that hanging on to the barrel was a very scantily clad woman. In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked towards John. She whispered into John's ear, " I have something you want!"

John broke into a dead run towards to breaking waves yelling, "Don't tell me you've got beer in that barrel!"

[Angelus]

One of the Yachts I worked on once long ago sank in the South Pacific. The Captain, American Feddy App'n, the first mate Pieter whos Dutch and the chinese cook.Mi Lie, managed to swim ashore. They were on a delivery so no one was killed.. Standing on this little island Freddy immediately takes charge. He says.
"Pieter you go find wood cos we need to build a fire, Mi Lie, you take care of the suplies and I'll take care of the rest.. We meet back here in 3 hours. OK?"

They all disappeared to carry out there assignments

3hrs later Freddy and Pieter are looking for the chinese cook.

"Where the hell is he says Freddy,,,".... All of a sudden theres a loud shriek,, then Out of the tree above them jumps Mi Lie Shrieking at the top of his voice

""SUPPLIZE ! ! !""

Well not exactly about boats but thats exactly how I tell it in Public... Verbal version is better BTW

[YachtForum]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for $265.95.....

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and... Ken's best friend Rick.

[Angelus]

Many years ago We designed and built a yacht for one of the richest men in the world... He had so much money he bought two slightly smaller one for his two older Sons..Next year it was the older two twins bithdays.. He said to the first

"What would you like for your Birthday Son"
"Ide love a train" He replied... so father bought him NS railways Holland
To the 2nd Son "what would you like son? "
"Ide luv a plane dad" So he bought him KLM airlines... A couple of months later it was the very much younger sons birthday He bent down slowly and softly said.."And what would you like son...'"
The little boy looked up at his dad after playing Indians outside and answered shyly
"Daddy,,, Ide Luv a cowboy outfit,,,, So what did Daddy do???? He Bought him Feadship

[YachtForum]

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ?..the United States Marines ... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs".

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!

Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was a yacht captain!"

[brian eiland]

...came up on another forum, and great laugh


What part of Popeye doesn't rust?

A: The bit he sticks in Olive Oil.

[brian eiland]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People! — What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Farting is a game not a social taboo. Sex is sport and fun not a life altering engagement. Even your "stylish" shoes have flat heels. Skillets can be used to clean carburator parts.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. A wedding dress is $5,000 but a Tux rents for $100. Grease under your fingernails is free and you don't have to wait while it dries.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.&n bsp; You never get mascara in your eye. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decad es! Olde Spice costs $5.00 instead of $195. You never have sagging panty hose. Good beer is cheaper hand easier to find than a nice Merloet.

You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can knock-out Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

(however, we do have a little problem with boats every once in awhile)

[brian eiland]

A burglar broke into a boat one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself
a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began
searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came
to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you!"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of people would name their bird Moses?"


"Those same kind of people that would name their rottweiler Jesus."

[YachtNews]

LOLOOLLOLLOLOL!!!!!!! Brian, that was really funny! Thanks for that.

[brian eiland]

....from Sailing Magazine:

After one particularly difficult passage, a famous cruising couple find themselves at the Pearly Gates, where their lines are taken by St. Peter himself.

"There doesn't seem to be much record of you, good or bad," he says, "so I'm going to let you decide for yourselves whether you go to heaven or hell."

First let me describe them for you. On the one hand, you could spend eternity in cramped quarters, your beds a few inches shorter than you are tall, your food and water always rationed, and a shower something you could only dream of."

"And what about hell?" the couple asked.

[YachtForums]

.....

Thanks Brian!

[Codger]

How a yacht is like a garage.
Almost always owned by men.
They're both full of a lot of crap you hardly ever use.
Like a garage you can hide from wimmin on a yacht.
You know you have a tool because you bought it, it's in here somewhere
You can tinker around the yacht/garage and not make any real difference.
They both have to treated with expensive paint once a year.
You get to wear overalls so you look like you know what your doing with a paint brush in your hand once a year.
You can moan and complain about both a garage and a yacht with other garage owners and yacht types.
You can bang into something pointy or angular inside both.
Both leak.

[Codger]

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

[CODOG]

A party of young pleasure-seekers moor offshore of a beautiful deserted island. A young lady walks inland to explore. As she gets deeper into the wooded area she feels something watching her, and after a while she catches a glimpse of a young man in tattered clothing with long unkempt hair. After a moment of fear, she realises he is just as scared of her, and attempts to communicate with him. Its soon aparent he is a castaway, the sole survivor of a wreck many years before. He was but a child when marooned, yet somehow survived whilst all the others had perished. She explained to him he was now safe, and she could take him home. With tears in his eyes, he took her hand and they began to walk back toward the beach.
As they walked, she noticed his curious eyes upon her body, and with a smile of knowing she asked him if he had ever had the pleasure of a woman. He shook his head endearingly and explained that his only sexual experience was using a hole in a tree trunk. She felt so sorry for this poor, and come to think of it, extremely handsome young man that she lay down on the ground, took off her shorts and beckoned him toward her. He stared down at her in slight bewilderment, so realising he had no idea what to do she told him to imagine she was a tree trunk with a hole in it. His eyes lit up with immediate understanding, and giggling with youthful glee he picked up a large branch and wacked her right between the legs with it.
"Why the hell did you do that ?!" she cried.
"First I check for bees" he replied.