[brian eiland]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[brian eiland]

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutron, giving it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert, however it can be detected because it impedes every reaction (that would take less than a second) to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutron and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's masswill actually increase over time since each reorganisation will cause more neutrons, forming isodopes.This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to asa critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[brian eiland]

Towards the end a day at the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She says angrily, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! . . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SWING!!!

[brian eiland]

...boating content ...lots of boating in NZ



An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from
the elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f****** liar!'

[FISHTIGUA]

Hellish day, very busy, at the Vatican. The great white limo is sitting outside the steps. The Pope comes out and says to Paulo "let me drive tonight"

Paulo says "no way, Boss. You are not covered by the insurence and you haven't driven in years.

But I've had a hell of a day and need to let off some steam.

Ok, Ok Boss but just take it easy.

On the highway the Pope gives it a big boot-full, 135mph.

Highway cop lights up his bike and pulls him over.

He leans through the blacked out windows and takes the papers back to the bike. 2 seconds later he's on the radio.

"Sarge, I think I,ve just pulled a very, very important person"

"I don't give a stuff, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, just give them the ticket"

"No Sarge, I think its God"

"What makes you say that?"

"Well He's got the Pope driving for Him"





Sorry
Dave

[revdcs]

With aplologies to all ye of Irish stock, but...

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[YachtForums]

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at guiding merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left, Starboard Right.

[YachtForums]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye from some bird poop!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."