[brian eiland]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block..'

[K1W1]

Originally Posted by FISHTIGUA

Kenny, you should know better!

The new cocktail sweeping NY is the 'Sully'.

Its two shots of Grey Goose and a splash of water.

Sorry

Fish

Dave- They ain't getting any better with age.

[NYCAP123]

BEAUTIFUL YACHT FOR SALE....VERY CHEAP. Will sell 100% ownership to first 10 responders. B. Madoff

[Ken Bracewell]

Mr. Owner to passing fishermen: "Good Morning. Great day for fishing. Gettin' any?"

Fishermen: "Nope"

Mr. Owner: "Too Bad. How's the fishin'?"

[stevenpet]

My neighbor and friend has a son that’s 15. He was over at our house the other day and we were telling stories about people we know that are incredibly bad at directions. He then told this story about his son.

We both live downtown, near the city center. One day, while waiting for the Traxx, (our Light Rail Transit system.) his son met a girl that invited him to a party at her house. Around 1 AM, his son called and said he couldn’t spend the night after all since her parents came home and everyone had to leave. They dropped him off at a Traxx station where he called his dad. His dad asked where he was and which station he was at. His son couldn’t figure it out so he told his son that he would just drive the entire line and pick him up wherever he found him. He explicitly told his son to stand out in the open so he could easily be found. My friend drove the entire line once and didn’t find his son. He flipped around and drove all the way back, and still—no son. By this time he was angry because he had clearly said to stand out in the open. On his third pass he STILL didn’t find his son, and as he was pulling away to go home and wait for his call—he say his son standing out in the very middle of a large empty parking lot.

Apparently he misunderstood what his father meant by “standing out in the open.”

[NYCAP123]

I always thought my wife had a bad sense of direction, but I was wrong. Being Italian she's prone to talking with her hands. So she'll give you directions saying first you go north, then you go west, followed by a turn to the south and finally you turn east. While telling you this she will start by pointing south followed by east, north and west. One day I finally realized that she has a great sense of direction. It's just exactly reversed. So I told her just go the opposite way that she thinks and she'll get where she's going. It also work for doors. If there are 2 doors she always (100%) picks the one that is locked. Go figure. I have a feeling that in the fog she's run right down the middle of the channel by accident.

[K1W1]

Hi,

I will take a chance that this one won't contravene the rules here:

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine.

I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

Dr. Brasted looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

[brian eiland]

.....first Google Earth, now Google Ocean

[Slowboater]

A sailor, after weeks at sea, pulled into a foreign port. He immediately went to the closest house of ill repute and put $500 on the table in front of the Madame. "I want the ugliest woman you have and two burned pork chops," he said. The Madame replied, "But sir, for this amount you can have my loveliest lady and a three course meal." The sailor replied, "Lady, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

[brian eiland]

...I'm sure we've seen more than a few owners like this

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys sever al new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.












Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

[revdcs]

What actually happened at Nelson's last battle...

Just before the Battle of Trafalgar - a conversation is overheard on the poop deck of HMS Victory:

Nelson: "Order the signal Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir"

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
work environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it - full speed ahead!"

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Horrors man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled/? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen. And they don't
want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
Butch Men and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about Butch Men?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case . . . kiss me, Hardy."

[Kevin]

Given their recent attitude towards the piracy issue, I'm betting that's not far off the mark. (Sorry to our English readers on this thread...)

[revdcs]

Fire instructions for when you have teenagers or ‘blondes’ on board.

[Ken Bracewell]

Originally Posted by revdcs

Fire instructions for when you have teenagers or ‘blondes’ on board.

I'm going to post this next to my Station Bill

[revdcs]

Although I guess this could apply to the Navy too...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila