[Codger]

Comment overheard in a group of people seeing Limitless coming in to port.
"Goes to prove that Love is not blind. If love was actually blind, Wexner would never have made enough out of Victoria's Secret to have Limitless built"

[GrahamF]

Got this from a friend on a boat, the owner gave it to all his friends that came onboard

Boat Rules For Guest

If you will kindly observe the following rules, it will be a hell of a lot easier and more comfortable for the crew …. After all, whose boat is this.
1. Keep your goddam feet off the varnish.
2. Don’t get snooty with the crew. Remember your skipper is still learning. He’s probably more scared than you.
3. Keep your goddam feet off the varnish.
4. If a fellow passenger gets anxious, knock him on the head with an EMPTY whiskey bottle.
5. Eyes forward at all times.
6. No loose hooks or fish in the cockpit.
7. Don’t ask embarrassing Questions of the crew such as
• Where are we ??
• What time will we dock?
• Does the radio work?
• Where is the head?
• How’s the weather? Is the front up ahead? (Hell, they don’t know)
8. If you don’t like the food , to hell with you - the boss likes it.
9. Keep your goddam feet off the varnish.
10. Only six people allowed in the head at a time. Please observe.
11. Don’t put anything into the head you haven’t already swallowed.
12. Keep your goddam feet off the varnish.
13. Be thankful if you arrive anywhere.
14. Shut Up. Keep your goddam feet off the varnish.
15. Don’t bother the Skipper. He is along for the ride, too
16. Always let the crew off first – after all she might be sinking
17. Don’t offer to help the Skipper or crew. Let them screw things up their own way.
18. if your feet get wet, don’t show any fear – you might frighten the crew.
19. If you drop peanuts or potato chips on the decks, please clean them up by mouth. Same for coffee and sun-tan lotion.
20. By all means DO NOT get seasick, at least not until you are ashore.
21. While onboard, the Captain has the authority to perform marriages.
22. The Captain’s not always right, but he’s still the Captain
23. KEEP THOSE FEET OFF THE GODDAM VARNISH!!!!!!

[YachtForum]

Graham,

I merged your post with our Boat Jokes thread. Now please... keep your feet off the varnish!

[YachtForum]

Why I fired my secretary...

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

. I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[CaptainSilva]

ROFLMAO that's absolutely hilarious

[CaptainSilva]

Some fishing terms
Ten common fishing terms explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

[brian eiland]

A Wisconsin man was stopped by a Game Warden in northern Wisconsin recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for it's fishing.

The game warden asked the man,
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Nah, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for awhile.
Then I whistle and they jump back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS. Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and said,
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this."

The man poured the fish back into the river and waited. After several minutes the warden turned to the man and said,
"Well?"

"Well what?"

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Wisconsin may not be as smart as some, but we're not at dumb as most."

[Neil Rooney]

What's the difference between a Yachtie and a Boatie?

Yachties shower daily.

[V65]

One morning John noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since the ship sank six months ago.

As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. He very soon thereafter realized that hanging on to the barrel was a very scantily clad woman. In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked towards John. She whispered into John's ear, " I have something you want!"

John broke into a dead run towards to breaking waves yelling, "Don't tell me you've got beer in that barrel!"

[orion]

Redneck boat test
http://www.toughboats.com/video.cfm?...bbaCR evLegal

[AMG]

Originally Posted by orion

Redneck boat test
http://www.toughboats.com/video.cfm?...bbaCR evLegal

And I take the antifouling they use...

[Angelus]

One of the Yachts I worked on once long ago sank in the South Pacific. The Captain, American Feddy App'n, the first mate Pieter whos Dutch and the chinese cook.Mi Lie, managed to swim ashore. They were on a delivery so no one was killed.. Standing on this little island Freddy immediately takes charge. He says.
"Pieter you go find wood cos we need to build a fire, Mi Lie, you take care of the suplies and I'll take care of the rest.. We meet back here in 3 hours. OK?"

They all disappeared to carry out there assignments

3hrs later Freddy and Pieter are looking for the chinese cook.

"Where the hell is he says Freddy,,,".... All of a sudden theres a loud shriek,, then Out of the tree above them jumps Mi Lie Shrieking at the top of his voice

""SUPPLIZE ! ! !""

Well not exactly about boats but thats exactly how I tell it in Public... Verbal version is better BTW

[YachtForum]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for $265.95.....

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and... Ken's best friend Rick.

[Angelus]

Many years ago We designed and built a yacht for one of the richest men in the world... He had so much money he bought two slightly smaller one for his two older Sons..Next year it was the older two twins bithdays.. He said to the first

"What would you like for your Birthday Son"
"Ide love a train" He replied... so father bought him NS railways Holland
To the 2nd Son "what would you like son? "
"Ide luv a plane dad" So he bought him KLM airlines... A couple of months later it was the very much younger sons birthday He bent down slowly and softly said.."And what would you like son...'"
The little boy looked up at his dad after playing Indians outside and answered shyly
"Daddy,,, Ide Luv a cowboy outfit,,,, So what did Daddy do???? He Bought him Feadship

[YachtForum]

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ?..the United States Marines ... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs".

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!

Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was a yacht captain!"