[K1W1]

Hi,

I will take a chance that this one won't contravene the rules here:

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine.

I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

Dr. Brasted looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

[brian eiland]

.....first Google Earth, now Google Ocean

[Slowboater]

A sailor, after weeks at sea, pulled into a foreign port. He immediately went to the closest house of ill repute and put $500 on the table in front of the Madame. "I want the ugliest woman you have and two burned pork chops," he said. The Madame replied, "But sir, for this amount you can have my loveliest lady and a three course meal." The sailor replied, "Lady, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

[brian eiland]

...I'm sure we've seen more than a few owners like this

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys sever al new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.












Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

[revdcs]

What actually happened at Nelson's last battle...

Just before the Battle of Trafalgar - a conversation is overheard on the poop deck of HMS Victory:

Nelson: "Order the signal Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir"

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
work environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it - full speed ahead!"

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Horrors man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled/? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen. And they don't
want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
Butch Men and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about Butch Men?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case . . . kiss me, Hardy."

[revdcs]

Fire instructions for when you have teenagers or ‘blondes’ on board.

[revdcs]

Although I guess this could apply to the Navy too...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[NYCAP123]

Well, my geography knowledge is now increased. Used to be that story could have been written about any number of hollers in the Blue Ridge mountains but they had to get citified for breading purposes.

[revdcs]

Try this - but don't cheat and look at the answers:

1) Pick your favourite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3
(I'll wait while you get the Calculator....)
4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
5) Add the digits together
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With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Mother Teresa
4. Imelda Marcos
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Nelson Mandela
8. Neil Armstrong
9. Karl
10. Barack Obama

Yes - he really does have that effect on people....one day you too can be just like Him!

[CaptTom]

I didn't realize Karl/Carl has changed his name to one word, like Cher or Madonna. Maybe he'll change it to a symbol, like Prince. Anyone want to guess what that symbol would look like (I'm thinking one side will be pointy, other side flat, and will have rotor blades).

[revdcs]

Originally Posted by CaptTom

I didn't realize Karl/Carl has changed his name to one word, like Cher or Madonna. Maybe he'll change it to a symbol, like Prince. Anyone want to guess what that symbol would look like (I'm thinking one side will be pointy, other side flat, and will have rotor blades).

.....

[FISHTIGUA]

Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?












Ones an aussie marsupial.............












The other is a Scotsman stuck in an elevator.

[NYCAP123]

?

[revdcs]

Originally Posted by NYCAP123

?

Yes - it does lose something in the translation!

Imagine someone from Sclotland, especially Glasgow, saying 'Ah canna git oot'



P.S - Sorry to Carl. A misstroke of the keys.

[NYCAP123]

Originally Posted by revdcs

Yes - it does lose something in the translation!

Imagine someone from Sclotland, especially Glasgow, saying 'Ah canna git oot'



P.S - Sorry to Carl. A misstroke of the keys.

I was just tellin Fish how hard it is for humor to survive the trip across the pond...in either direction. This NYer will just accept that they're roaring over there. Thanks to you and Fish both for trying to help the helpless.