[brian eiland]

Towards the end a day at the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She says angrily, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! . . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SWING!!!

[brian eiland]

...boating content ...lots of boating in NZ



An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from
the elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f****** liar!'

[FISHTIGUA]

Hellish day, very busy, at the Vatican. The great white limo is sitting outside the steps. The Pope comes out and says to Paulo "let me drive tonight"

Paulo says "no way, Boss. You are not covered by the insurence and you haven't driven in years.

But I've had a hell of a day and need to let off some steam.

Ok, Ok Boss but just take it easy.

On the highway the Pope gives it a big boot-full, 135mph.

Highway cop lights up his bike and pulls him over.

He leans through the blacked out windows and takes the papers back to the bike. 2 seconds later he's on the radio.

"Sarge, I think I,ve just pulled a very, very important person"

"I don't give a stuff, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, just give them the ticket"

"No Sarge, I think its God"

"What makes you say that?"

"Well He's got the Pope driving for Him"





Sorry
Dave

[revdcs]

With aplologies to all ye of Irish stock, but...

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[YachtForums]

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at guiding merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left, Starboard Right.

[YachtForums]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye from some bird poop!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

[strat57]

I hear they just finished a re-fit for Tiger Woods....

[Maria B]

Somali Pirates in Discussions to Acquire Citigroup

By Andreas Hippin
November 20 (Bloomberg) -- The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known
for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a
purchase of Citigroup.

The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash
stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships,
including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The
Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate
spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered
the final stage, Ali said.

"You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying
for things. Be happy we are in the mood to
offer the shareholders anything," said Ali.

The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate
Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS's are backed by the cash flows from
future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody's and
S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the
PRBS's.

Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: "We need a bank so that we have a
place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in
the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup
at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow
the business even faster."

Shandu added, "We don't call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and
this will just allow us to guard our coasts better."

*CITI IN TALKS WITH SOMALI PIRATES FOR POSSIBLE CAPITAL INFUSION

*WILL REQUIRE ALL CITI EMPLOYEES TO WEAR PATCH OVER ONE EYE

*SOMALIAN PIRATES APPLY TO BECOME BANK TO ACCESS TARP

*PAULSON: TARP PIRATE EQUITY IS AN `INVESTMENT,' WILL PAY OFF

*KASHKARI SAYS `SOMALI PIRATES ARE 'FUNDAMENTALLY SOUND' '

*Moody's upgrade Somali Pirates to AAA

*HUD SAYS SOMALI DHOW FORECLOSURE PROGRAM HAD `VERY LOW' PARTICPATION

*SOMALI PIRATES IN DISCUSSION TO ACQUIRE CITIBANK

*FED OFFICIALS: AGGRESSIVE EASING WOULD CUT SOMALI PIRATE RISK

* FED AGREED OCT. 29 TO TAKE `WHATEVER STEPS' NEEDED FOR SOMALI PIRAT

[orion]

Norwegian superyacht
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJLhx...eature=related

Crew???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StEgT...eature=related

[brian eiland]

A lady of mature years inherited a parrot which had a foul mouth....every few minutes, the bird would cackle "I'm a swinger". One day, the parrot made this remark while the lady's parish priest was visiting.

"Don't worry", said the priest; "I have two parrots at the rectory, and we cured them."

"But what did you do?"

"I taught them to recite the rosary, Come over for a visit and you'll see."

The lady paid a visit to the rectory and saw the two parrots perched next to a table containing a roasry and a small bell. Oe would strike the bell, the second would say the required prayer, the first would move the bead, and the roles would be reversed for the next round, just like clockwork.

"Marvelous, chimed the parishioner; May I bring my parrot in?"

"Sure, we'll see you tomorrow morning."

The next morning, the woman showed up at the rectory with her parrot, which immediately blurted out, "I'm a swinger" --- whereupon one of the priest's two parrots said to the other:


(pregnant pause)

"You can put the beads away, Joe; Our prayers have been answered!!"

[FISHTIGUA]

A little boy runs into the kitchen.

'Mummy, Mummy why is my Yankee's shirt lying in the dirt?'

'Oh no' said Mom 'They've stolen the clothes pegs again'.

Fish

[brian eiland]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block..'

[NYCAP123]

BEAUTIFUL YACHT FOR SALE....VERY CHEAP. Will sell 100% ownership to first 10 responders. B. Madoff

[Ken Bracewell]

Mr. Owner to passing fishermen: "Good Morning. Great day for fishing. Gettin' any?"

Fishermen: "Nope"

Mr. Owner: "Too Bad. How's the fishin'?"

[stevenpet]

My neighbor and friend has a son that’s 15. He was over at our house the other day and we were telling stories about people we know that are incredibly bad at directions. He then told this story about his son.

We both live downtown, near the city center. One day, while waiting for the Traxx, (our Light Rail Transit system.) his son met a girl that invited him to a party at her house. Around 1 AM, his son called and said he couldn’t spend the night after all since her parents came home and everyone had to leave. They dropped him off at a Traxx station where he called his dad. His dad asked where he was and which station he was at. His son couldn’t figure it out so he told his son that he would just drive the entire line and pick him up wherever he found him. He explicitly told his son to stand out in the open so he could easily be found. My friend drove the entire line once and didn’t find his son. He flipped around and drove all the way back, and still—no son. By this time he was angry because he had clearly said to stand out in the open. On his third pass he STILL didn’t find his son, and as he was pulling away to go home and wait for his call—he say his son standing out in the very middle of a large empty parking lot.

Apparently he misunderstood what his father meant by “standing out in the open.”