[K1W1]

Hi,

Dave - The Volvo Emergency Room must be quiet this morning.

Here is something that is not boat related but is a good giggle.

http://img.chan4chan.com/img/2010-05-26/20qx9bo.jpg

[FISHTIGUA]

Some of us may. at one time, employed one of these. Beware, it is hard hitting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVN_0...eature=channel

[brian eiland]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to
each other on a long flight..

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap,
so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot
of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer,
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references
he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows;
all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[MaxPower]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that suppose to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back".

[MaxPower]

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, “Nothing”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you too”. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why, got laid though.

[NYCAP123]

Lmao :d

[ArcanisX]

Somewhat cruel joke I recently overheard:

There is a new junior seaman on a big military vessel. So, he is standing his first watch when a man falls overboard. He is naturally a little distracted and not very fast with reaction.
And elder sailor delivers him a hefty piece of "training" conk: "What the devil you think you're doing? It's the ship's medic, if he drowns who's gonna heal us? Move it!!!!"

On his next watch, our junior seaman again sees a man falling overboard. He's still not very used to the drill and freezes still, perplexed. An elder sailor delivers him another piece of "training" conk: "What the devil you think you're doing? It's the ship's cook, who's gonna feed us????"

On his third watch, junior seaman stays alert. So, when, as is the luck of his watches, yet another man manages to fall overboard, he moves swift and helps him almost instantly.

An elder sailor conks himself on the head: "What the devil he thinks he's doing? It's the ship's bosun..."

[brian eiland]

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women


And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.



And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

[brian eiland]

One day, in line at the tug boat company's cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

"Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."






That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

"Thank you for shopping @ Walmart"

[ScotL]

I came across this one going through some old files today:

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

[FISHTIGUA]

I had to take a big, hairy engineer out for dinner the other night. He was over for a survey.

We went to an Italian restaurant and the waiter gave us these large, quilted menus.

Not wishing to look ignorant he looked up and down the menu looking for something he recognised, he turned to the waiter and nodded.

"I'll have the 'paggeoni' please" in his best Italian accent.

The waiter looks over his shoulder and says

" Signore, that says Page One"

[Kafue]

Originally Posted by MaxPower

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, “Nothing”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you too”. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why, got laid though.

How many of us can relate!

[FISHTIGUA]

A bit of fun from a Yank in the UK.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuq8ZU2Uf_0

[brian eiland]

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One
got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round.. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.

The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."


She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."


The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.


The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.


Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."


The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[NYCAP123]

That was like watching golf on TV...or paint dry.